Believe it or not moms, there are seven things you need to remember as a mother. Does that seem fair? Hardly, as it is we're expected to remember oh...just about everything! Grab your pens, ladies, and start taking notes. We wouldn't want a "gem" of info to roll past our noses, now would we?
1. We Should Buy Our Kids EVERYTHING They Want - Or Not
Moms are never supposed to say no! That's right, mommies, please don't forget that it's up to you to say "Yes" to your kids all the time, lest you want to be voted meanest mother of the world. This means buying your child that annoying Elmo doll. This means buying every single freaking item on the cash wrap at Target. If you don't buy your kids everything, you are clearly doing it ALL WRONG, MOM!
2. Where Our Kid's Favorite Doll or Stuffy Is
Where is my favorite teddy! Mom?... Apparently, moms are supposed to remember where favorite dolls and stuffies end up, otherwise you end up with a child who looks like this one. I hate to say it, but this child looks possessed. Do you want to deal with a satanic toddler who can't find her favorite Dora doll? Nope.
This is why you need to tap into your psychic abilities as a mother, and zero in on that doll: NOW!
3. We Can't Forget to Work Magic
Don't forget moms: you must remember to bring your magic wand, hat and fairy wings to any and all events involving your children. When things don't go their way, they want us to make it better for them. This is why it's essential you always carry your cape and wand and never forget your book of spells! Didn't you know that if your child forgets to do his science project the night before it's due, you can magically whip him up one, "Bippity, Boppity, Boo?"
Yeah that's exactly how it works.
4. You Are Your Mother - Sorry, Not Sorry!
As luck would have it, or genetics or perhaps learned behavior (depends on which group of psychology you believe in), remember that essentially, you are your mother. In every way and shape, you are her. You will try not to be like her, but stop fighting it. Instead remember: you are your mom, and darnit, your mom was right about everything! Least so she thought....
You might even want to appropriate your mom's name. Accept your role and really "dive in" like a method actress!
5. Your Kids Require Food
I know it's a bummer but, your kids need to eat. That means you better remember to make something perfect, particularly off Pinterest and all-organic, if you want to be a good mom. If you want to be an amazing mom, milk your own cow and grow all your own produce. Then you'll really be the BEST-MOM-EVER!
Meanwhile back at the ranch, I will happily prepare boxed mac n' cheese...(why of course it's organic!)
6. Manicures, Before the Kids
You cannot be a good mom if you don't take care of yourself, too. Don't you hear that all the time from parenting sites and people, ad nauseum?
If that's the case then, Moms? Forget the homework, hobbies and after-school activities, and instead, schedule your mani and pedi and ask your kids to wait. In fact, take it a few steps further and instead of prepping dinner, give yourself a nap and enjoy some chocolates.
Still need to relax? Take it another step further and have a girls' night and tell the kids to tell their teachers that mom was too busy for homework. Hey, you're supposed to take care of yourself, right?
7. You Won't Like Your Kids Every Second of the Day
You'll really hate when your toddler crayons your wall. You'll second-guess motherhood when your teenager says she hates you every day, not because she's mad, but because that's her new greeting. You'll really hate training your boys to lift the toilet seat again...and again...and again!
Yeah, you love your kids with every inch of you, but remember this: as much as you love them, sometimes you won't like them. That's o.k.! The fact is kids will drive you crazy until you're ready to happily retire in a rubber room of a psychiatric hospital. The good news is you won't stay long because you'll miss your little lunatics all too much to stay as an inpatient!
